Giving Into Self
Just a few weeks ago, I found myself {{REALLY}} stressed out. Lots of variables were at play and I just couldn't shake it. Even though I acknowledged my stress and anxiety, it took me a while to get to the bottom of it. When I finally broke through, it all felt kind of silly. This wasn't the first time I worked myself up to feeling the way that I did.
You see, I'm a people pleaser. Always have been. Always will be.
Even in the midst of a move, financial strain because of the move, settling into a new home, and desires to work toward my own dreams and passions - I found myself all out of sorts because I couldn't do and be everything for everyone else. My my my... I’m just shaking my head now at how absurd I can be.
It is a daily battle to balance the pulls and demands of others with the pulls and demands of self. Sure, there will be natural sacrifices for children, significant others, friends, and family but the constant giving away of self without giving into self will lead us toward a life full of stress, anxiety, less compassion, and certainly less happiness.
And I don’t want to live that kind of life.
Remember the post from last week? This one. - Well, for the longest time I have allowed this unwarranted guilt to overtake me like an icky gooey substance I need to wash and cleanse away. My most recent guilt-trips were so close to one another during a period of multiple stressors that I became completely overwhelmed feeling like there was no where to turn - that I had no control.
I had no idea how to get around this. The only way to get to the other side was to go through it.
Once I started to recognize the guilt I was feeling was caused by a deeper issue - my fears - a veil was lifted.
My triggers: feeling guilty and anxious
My fears?
- making people unhappy
- not being perfect
- feeling unwanted or not needed
- losing a friend
So now that I'm on the other side of my anxieties and my fear is out into the open, I know the things that I must continue to practice to keep me at a healthy state, to be my best and truest self, and to live the life I was meant for.
More and more, I am learning when to say NO - to stop accommodating people to make them feel okay - to stop trying to fulfill someone else's expectations of me - and to take care of myself and the things I want to focus on. This can be super hard for me. You know why? Because it all sounds so selfish. But in reality, it's not.
The art of saying "no" creates necessary boundaries.
You can still be kind and compassionate toward other people without taking on the burden that every emotion they feel is connected to something you do or say. Sometimes people are just moody and dramatic. Let people be angry with you. Let people not understand you. It's okay.
The only expectation of life you need to live up to is the one you set for yourself. And even then, you'll fail and have to extend grace and self-compassion.
None of these are simple solutions. They all take daily practice and intention. I do believe it gets easier with time and experience. With practice comes precision. With practice comes less guilt, less anxiety, and ultimately less fear.
Until next time…
Here are some things I've resonated with in the last few weeks - readings that stirred up the pot and kept me moving toward a better me.
"Be Bored, I Dare You" - Benjamin Foley
"When all you do is react, you never really act" - Jon Westenberg
This was a game-changer read for me.
"Reframe Self-Imposed Rules to Decrease Stress" - Karey Northington
This one slammed it into the park for me. All of my "guilt" had been created by my self-imposed rules.
And if you've never heard of the Enneagram, it's worth checking out. You can take the test or read through the nine types to see where you fall. --> https://www.enneagraminstitute.com